Unrequited Love
What is really important?
On the eve of my birthday, I was on my way home from work reflecting on how grateful I really am. I was listening to Hezekiah Walker, as I am a former member of the notorious Love Fellowship Tabernacle choir, and hearing the song “Grateful” almost brought me to tears. I also thought about my mom and how proud she must be looking down on me, and the thoughts that probably would’ve run thru her mind, and how it warms a mothers heart when it’s her baby’s birthday. It made me miss her like never before.
Over the past few months, I have been breaking down (probably in more ways than one), and …etc, but I was so moved last night, something came over me, and let me tell you, I stand in witness, that the Devil is a liar!!!!
And no, the purpose of this is not some spiritual, meta-physical hee-haw, but rather it is a perspective – My Perspective. In that, everything in life, in my life… comes from my “foundation.”
Nonetheless, the last few holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas ‘07 and NYE ’08), for the first time ever in my life, I spent entirely alone for different reasons (well I did volunteer work), and I was determined not to spend my birthday (meaning the actual day 1-23-08) alone. But now that I am thinking about it, maybe I should, and maybe in doing so, the cycle will be complete. I will be able to see things for what they really are.
Now I do not wish this loneliness on anyone. I have found that I am always the one who is always calling and texting folks for any and every holiday and birthday and special occasion, but rarely ever does anyone return the favor.
Then, to pull the wool over someone’s eyes, I can’t even begin to explain or understand why… why rip out and stamp on a heart so pure… why? What is the reason for the disease of unrequited love? Why? Why even waste your time with someone if you don’t see nothing coming out of it? Why even have them around you or at your house? I just can’t understand for the life of me, why…
You are dead wrong for what you did…
And you and I both know it.
Should I turn my heart of gold into a heart of dirt and rocks? Seriously, I mean when will it ever matter that someone is honestly and truly genuine? When does/will that EVER matter?
I am not and have never been a hoe, I am not looking for a sponsor, and I do not have hidden agendas. If I am with you, and if I spend time with you, it is because I like you! (duhh!) Why is it so hard to get that in return? Do I hafta walk around with a bag on my head so that people don’t get sidetracked and distracted by my physical? No, I shouldn’t hafta do that. That is not staying true to me.
But it’s not like that is it… so, like I said, I am fairly easy on the eyes (or so I have been told), but I am also a great conversationalist, I have worldly views and interests, a wonderful sense of humor, I am caring, intelligent, and honest. My integrity and values are most important to me. I do not judge people. I see people for who they are and their potential. I am a great listener, I am amazingly supportive and understanding, and I do not like to argue. I am a successful career woman with a great job. I like to have fun, and travel, and cook, or just do things around the house. I love to entertain, but also I love to read a good book. I enjoy taking care of my man and catering to his every need, want, and desire. I am very generous, and unselfish, and I would rather give than receive any day. I would go the ends of the earth, and give my last for the people I love. I love love itself, and I have an enormous sense of love for people in general. I am extremely well-kept, and I like nice things. I have my own shit, and you will never, ever catch me with my hand out. I am forgiving to a fault, and I am loyal to the very end.
So, please tell me, how does gratitude (I started out being “so grateful,” and I still am) turn into this? Well, I told you… the Devil is a liar.
Liar. Liar. Liar.
January 29, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Hey pretty lady. Yeah, unrequited love is a gamble. It usually sucks, but every once in a while it pays off big time. That high from actually getting to be with the object of your affection sometimes seems worth the grief people put themselves through the rest of the time. I wasn’t sure, though, from what you wrote, that you have someone in mind who you can’t be with? Or you’re just full of love ready to share?
Anyway, I almost spent Xmas alone, and I was OK with it, but ran into an old friend that lives nearby and joined her for a mutual friend’s dinner. That was better.
February 2, 2008 at 9:14 am
Well.. I am going thru exactly the same thing that u are going thru right now. It sucks. And I really dont know how to react to it. I simply dont. Especially since i have to see this person everyday. And it is drivin me out of my mind. I am ok sometimes but then suddenly I am just…gone! All of a sudden this pain hits me and I simply dont know how to react. Bah. Why do people have to go thru this stuff. The other person kept it going for 4 full months even though she knew it would only end in me being totally heartbroken. She used me I feel. I just wanna dissappear!